By Abby Gregory
While technology can simplify our lives, it does come with a potential downside, especially during divorce and child custody disputes. Dallas family law attorney Abby Gregory sheds light on common technology-related miscues that can negatively affect divorce, child custody and visitation outcomes.
In today’s high-tech world, married couples often share phone plans, home computers, email accounts, cloud accounts and passwords. This may make sense during marriage, but what if you plan to file for divorce and if the custody of your children is at stake?
Unfortunately, most people don’t realize how deeply their personal devices (phones, tablets, computers) and digital accounts (email, text messaging, cloud, Dropbox, social media, apps, etc.) are intertwined with their future ex-spouse’s.
Abby discusses the misunderstood intricacies of sharing data and why it’s important to know what information can be accessed via the cloud.
A fine balance – preserving evidence AND privacy
Destroying evidence during a divorce is illegal, and this includes any past phone call, text, email, financial and other records you shared with your spouse. However, during a divorce, you do have a right to keep personal communications private on non-shared accounts.
That’s why it’s so important to open a new phone plan in your name only, which is in no way tied to your family’s cloud account. In many cases, I also recommend creating a new email account with unique passwords that only you can access.
You should also take steps to ensure that neither your spouse nor your children have access to any device where your personal email or text messages could be retrieved. This may sound simple, but in our practice we regularly see instances where parties private communications have been intercepted.
Abby explains how incriminating text messages were discovered and used against a parent in a custody case.
7 steps to outsmart technology AND protect confidential information during divorce and child custody disputes
Step 1: Don’t call, text or email any information about your plans to divorce on any devices your family shares. For example, if you have a laptop that you, your spouse and your kids all use, it probably won’t be password protected. This can be problematic, because:
- Any email accounts or social media profiles you regularly access from that device probably open automatically, without logging in, simply by turning on the device.
- Any communications you send and receive on shared devices and within shared accounts (email, text messages, etc.) can be accessed from any device tied to your shared cloud account.
For more insight on technology, check out this past post: Is Technology Secretly Sabotaging Your Divorce?
Step 2: Log out of social profiles and private email accounts on shared devices. You should also change all associated passwords and do so on a device only you have access to. If you don’t want to raise red flags by logging out of your email account, move on to Step 3.
Step 3: Create a new, private email account – with a unique password – on a personal device only you have access to. Use this account to correspond with your divorce attorney and family or friends who know about your situation.
Step 4: Keep a careful eye on your personal devices (phones, tablets, laptops, etc.) and change your device passwords. Many parents share tablets or smartphones with their kids. However, this can be a bad idea if your private digital accounts can be accessed there, especially if your child brings the device to your future ex-husband or ex-wife’s home for the weekend.
Step 5: Turn off location services for apps on devices tied to the cloud. This step is especially critical if your future ex poses a potential danger to you or your children. For example, the Find My iPhone and Find Friends apps are built into Apple products. Other apps allow you to check in at locations or receive information based on your location.
These apps typically come with location services features. Visit your local phone services provider for a tutorial on how to keep your location private. Turn off locations services on your children’s devices if a threat of family violence exists.
Step 6: Get a new phone and separate phone plan. This is important, because if you remain on the shared phone plan, your spouse can find out who you are texting and calling and even how long those conversations last.
Step 7: Take precautions when handing down devices to your kids. While you may want to keep an eye on what your kids are doing, you don’t want them – or your ex – to be able to access your private email account, text messages or social media accounts during a divorce.
For example, the child could inadvertently mention something about your legal strategy to your future ex. He or she may also discover heated text exchanges between you and your spouse, which could be traumatizing.
Ask your phone services provider to restore the phone to factory settings, then set up a separate account in your child’s name, that you – and if appropriate, your spouse – have access to. Set up a unique login and password for the child’s phone.
Contact a reputable family law attorney for advice
While these steps can be a good starting point, an experienced family law attorney is your best resource for advice that pertains to your unique circumstances. Contact a reputable divorce lawyer in your jurisdiction to learn more about your divorce, child custody and visitation options.
Abby Gregory is a compassionate Dallas divorce attorney with a substantial record in litigation, collaboration and Texas family law. A graduate of Fordham University College of Law, Abby committed herself to community service during her tenure at Fordham and received the Archibald R. Murray Public Service Award, summa cum laude, based on her extensive pro bono and community work for Lawyers for Children, the Innocence Project and others.
Since founding Connatser Family Law in 2014, prominent Dallas divorce attorney Aubrey Connatser and her associates, family law attorneys Abby Gregory, Christine Powers Leatherberry and Alissa Castro have shared insight and advice on the firm’s blog and in television, radio and newspaper interviews.
After years of experience representing clients in the Texas family court, we understand that going through a divorce can be overwhelming. So we created a comprehensive Divorce Toolkit with 10 categories and 18 helpful tools to help ease stress and streamline the divorce process.
Use this handy Divorce Toolkit to learn:
- How to hire a divorce attorney.
If you are contemplating divorce or are ready to file for divorce, seek out an experienced divorce attorney who is a good fit for YOU and your circumstances. Check out this handy infographic Essential 9-Step Guide to Hiring a Divorce Attorney to learn more.
- How to get a handle on divorce basics.
Wondering what common questions people ask about divorce? What questions they don’t ask but should? Our post, The Top 12 Things You Need to Know About Divorce in Texas, covers most of the bases. (If you don’t live in Texas, consult an attorney in the state where you reside.)
- How much alimony you can expect to receive or pay.
Alimony isn’t a given in a Texas divorce. In fact, the courts typically expect both parties to eventually support themselves following divorce. We cover 11 things you need to know about alimony in Texas in this past post. (Again, contact an attorney in your state if you don’t reside in Texas.)
- Tips on how to avoid tax and financial woes during divorce.
We asked our colleague Todd Amacher, J.D., MBA, CPA, CFP,® CDFA (TM), to share tax and financial insight in this helpful post, Divorce and Taxes: 5 Essential Tips for Avoiding Future Financial Woes.
- How to manage emotional duress during divorce.
We know, going through a divorce can be trying. This is true for the divorcing parties and their children as well. We’ve covered mental health issues on several occasions and encourage you to check out these insightful posts:
- Emotions Run Sky High During Divorce: 5 Ways to Stay Grounded
- 7 Sanity Saving Tips for Working Moms (and Dads)
- 5 Valuable Resources to Help Kids Cope When Parents Split
- The best ways to co-parent in a peaceful and supportive fashion.
At Connatser Family Law, we always say, “Kids come first.” We encourage parents to put their differences aside and focus on the best interests of their children. Co-parenting is another topic we cover regularly in our blog. A few helpful posts include:
- 10 Essential Tips for Successful Co-Parenting Following Divorce
- 12 Back-to-School Tips for Newly Divorced Parents
- Recently Divorced? 6 Tips to Make the Season Bright for Your Kids During the Holidays
- Steps to take to survive contentious custody battles.
Unfortunately, divorcing couples don’t always play nice during divorce and custody battles. In the following two posts, we interviewed two clients who survived and thrived contentious custody disputes. Read their inspiring stories for insight:
- 5 Crucial Steps Dads Should Take to Get Custody in Texas
- You Don’t Need to Be Rosie O’Donnell to End Up in a Nasty Same-Sex Custody Fight
- How you can maintain privacy during high-profile divorce and child custody disputes.
If you’re getting divorced in Texas, you’ll be happy to learn that Texas family courts value privacy, especially when children are involved. It’s often easier to seal divorce records here than in other states.
Learn how a divorce attorney can help you keep divorce records private in this post we wrote about Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert’s 2015 divorce.
- Insight on the pros and cons of collaborative divorce.
If you and your partner want to take a kinder and gentler approach to divorce, you may want to consider going the collaborative route. Collaborative divorces can also afford a higher degree of privacy, but they aren’t the best option for everybody. Check out the following two posts to learn more:
- Dallas Divorce Lawyer Shares 5 Compelling Reasons to Consider Collaborative Divorce in Texas
- Collaborative Is a Great Option for Some, 3 Scenarios When You Should Think Twice
- The dos and don’ts of technology, the cloud and social media during divorce.
What you say and do on social media and the cloud can be held against you during a divorce. Naiveté about technology can also compromise your privacy and safety. Scrutinize these posts closely before you email, text, call or share:
- Don’t Let the Cloud Scuttle Your Divorce – 9 Vital Tips
- Contemplating Divorce? 10 Critical Social Media Dont’s You Need to Know
- Social Media, Smartphones and Divorce. A Dangerous Combination?
Contact a reputable family law attorney for personalized advice
If you are considering divorce, take steps to hire an experienced divorce attorney – who is a good fit for YOU – as soon as possible. He or she can provide advice specific to your circumstances and develop a strategy to attain your goals.
Since founding Connatser Family Law in 2014, Aubrey Connatser and team have firmly established the next in a line of great Texas divorce and family law firms. To learn more about divorce and child custody in Dallas and Collin Counties, please call 214-306-8441 to speak confidentially with a knowledgeable and compassionate member of the Connatser Family Law team.
Photo Source: Adobe Stock
At Connatser Family Law, we always experience a significant spike in phone calls after big holidays such as Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s and Valentine’s Day. If a post-holiday divorce is your only option, it’s important to do your research before hiring a divorce lawyer.
An under-qualified divorce attorney could miss critical issues and handle aspects of your case incorrectly. In addition, he or she might be unable to give you the advice you need to maximize your bargaining power during the divorce process.
Before you hire a family law attorney, check out our handy nine-step guide in the infographic below. You can also read an extended version of the guide here.
Dallas family law attorney Alissa Castro discusses the role substance abuse plays in divorce and how using alcohol and drugs can jeopardize child custody, visitation and possession in Texas.
Abuse of alcohol and drugs – including prescription drugs – is one of the biggest reasons marriages fall apart. As Bloomberg.com recently reported,13.7 percent of women and 5.2 percent of men cited drinking or drug use as a reason for getting divorced in a Journal of Family Issues survey.
How substance abuse affects divorce settlements, when children are NOT involved
In general, for people who are married and don’t have children, substance abuse usually has a minimal impact on divorce settlements in Texas. However, it could lead to fault grounds for divorce such as cruelty, depending on what happened and how the substance abuse impacted the marriage.
When it comes to addictive traits, the court may award a disproportionate amount of the couple’s estate to the non-addict party based upon the conduct of the addict during the marriage. If the addict was secretly gambling away the couple’s money or spending money on drugs or alcohol, this behavior could also lead to a claim of fraud or waste in the divorce.
However, the family courts in Texas counties are typically sensitive to the fact that addiction is a disease and that people usually don’t set out to become addicts. Still, the courts consider all of these factors and determine awards of marital property on a case-by-case basis.
How substance abuse affects child custody, visitation and possession in Texas
When children are involved, the courts take substance abuse very seriously. The Texas Family Code Section 105.001 clearly states that the court has the ability to make orders to ensure the safety and welfare of children during a divorce. To help protect kids from a parent who abuses drugs or alcohol, a graduated possession schedule or other restrictions can be put in place to provide a safe, stable and nonviolent environment for a child.
These graduated schedules occur in multiple phases and may include:
Supervised possession. During this phase, all visits with the children are supervised by a court-appointed supervisor or person agreed-upon by the parties. The court may also order that the party abstain from drinking 8 hours prior to and during possession, attend 90 meetings (Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, etc.) in 90 days and submit to alcohol and/or drug tests.
Expanded possession time. Once the 90-day requirement (or other specified milestone) is met, or the Court believes the party has been able to stay clean and sober for a set period of time, the parent may be awarded more supervised possession time. Proof of regular meeting attendance (usually at least weekly) and random sobriety tests are normally required during this phase.
Unsupervised possession. After abiding by certain requirements for a set period of time, parents may eventually graduate to unsupervised possession. However, if he or she relapses, it is likely that the parent will have supervised or other restrictions to their possession or access of the child.
Rules and requirements vary based on the individual and are determined on a case-by-case basis.
FYI, smoking pot is a big no-no when it comes to child custody and visitation in Texas
It’s important to note that even though many states have decriminalized the use of marijuana, Texas is NOT one of those states. When consumption of any illegal drugs has occurred in recent months, there will likely be orders against it – if the parent wants access to his or her kids.
Even if you personally believe it’s OK to use marijuana recreationally, Texas courts take marijuana use very seriously and will often limit visitation until a parent can prove he or she is no longer using the illegal drug (via baseline hair or fingernail tests).
Abuse of prescription medication is also a big concern. Depending on the situation, the court may order a baseline be established for any prescribed medication taken to monitor for potential abuse.
How to protect your kids when a partner abuses drugs or alcohol
Clearly, substance abuse isn’t uncommon, and for some couples, divorce is the only option. If you are a parent who wants to limit your children’s exposure to a partner who is abusing drugs or alcohol, consider the following steps.
1. Collect evidence of the substance abuse.
Following separation from a spouse or partner, courts require evidence of substance abuse be provided before putting orders in place to limit possession of the children. Without evidence, your children could end up in the possession of someone who is abusing substances and is unable to adequately protect them.
If the substance abuser drinks a bottle of vodka or smokes a joint, take a picture or video. Keep track of and make copies of liquor store receipts or credit card charges for alcohol. Monitor social media and print and save copies of photos or posts that indicate substance abuse.
2. Call Child Protective Services and file a report.
If your partner’s substance abuse and related behavior is putting your children in danger, you can call CPS and file a report. Once a report is filed, CPS will open an investigation and those allegations will be on the record.
CPS can also create a safety plan that could potentially trump a court order. All parties are required to sign and abide by the plan. In some cases, CPS may even take possession of a child if they find he or she is in imminent danger.
3. Call the police if you are fearful for your or your child’s safety.
While substance abuse doesn’t always escalate to family violence, there are many instances when a substance abuser can pose a threat to your family. Call the police if you are afraid your partner could harm you or your child.
4. Contact a family law attorney for advice.
He or she can explain what legal steps you can take to protect your kids from a substance abuser, remove the substance abuser from your home, and how to secure a child custody and visitation agreement that keeps your children safe.
Your attorney can also counsel you on steps to take to avoid having to go to court every time you need relief. For example, you could request orders be put in place where the substance abuser would be immediately denied possession of the children if the party falls off the wagon.
5. Request emergency or temporary orders that require the other parent be tested for drugs and/or alcohol.
Your divorce attorney can help you with this important step. Without these orders, the court may assume a standard possession order is appropriate, which could put your children in danger.
These orders can help ensure drug/alcohol testing and safety procedures are put in place immediately. The court can also require the substance abuser submit to random testing with in-home tools like SoberLink, which tests the breath for alcohol and can even send a report with the results to the other parent and the court.
A NOTE OF CAUTION: Most judges have zero tolerance for frivolous accusations and requests for drug and alcohol testing without evidence of abuse. In addition, your partner can turn around and request the same testing and requirements be ordered for you. We often hear the accused substance abuser say, “The only time I drank was when my spouse and I were drinking together.” Only pursue this avenue if you truly believe your children are at risk.
Rely on a family law attorney who specializes in child custody and visitation
If drug or alcohol abuse is taking a toll on your family, reach out to a reputable family law attorney for advice. He or she can help you navigate the legal system and take appropriate steps to keep your children out of harm’s way.
Alissa Castro is an enthusiastic, young attorney with experience in a wide variety of legal venues. She has donated her services to several charitable causes including the Dallas Volunteer Attorney Program, Mississippi Volunteer Lawyer Project and Catholic Charities. To learn more about divorce and child custody options in Dallas and Collin Counties, please call 214-306-8441 to speak confidentially with a knowledgeable and considerate member of the Connatser Family Law team.
The holiday season should be a happy and joyous time for children, but that isn’t always the case for kids whose parents have recently divorced. To help children navigate this stressful time, Dallas Family Law Attorney Christine Powers Leatherberry encourages parents to be proactive, maintain traditions and closely monitor children’s mental health during the holidays.
In the following infographic, Christine offers six helpful, holiday co-parenting tips for divorced moms and dads. Consider Christine’s advice to put children at ease during Christmas, Hanukkah and other holiday celebrations as they transition from a single-family unit to life as a child of divorce.
Christine Powers Leatherberry is a compassionate Dallas family lawyer who is equally comfortable in the courtroom as she is counseling her clients one-on-one. She is a past chair of the Dallas Junior Board of the Big Brothers Big Sisters and was a Big Sister to the same Little for 11 years. If you have questions about a Texas divorce or child custody and visitation, please call 214-306-8441 to speak confidentially with a knowledgeable and considerate member of the Connatser Family Law team.
As a follow up to her recent post, Little Victims Face Big Horrors Due to Family Violence, Connatser Family Law attorney Abby Gregory shares helpful advice for women who want to remove themselves and their children from family violence.
In her role as chair of the Dallas County Intimate Partner Fatality Review Committee, Jan Langbein (CEO of Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support) discovered a startling statistic. In a span of three years, only three women whose deaths the Committee reviewed had ever reached out for help.
Two had expired protective orders, and one had applied for a protective order before she was murdered. The rest of the victims didn’t reach out for help from the police, the court system, a shelter hotline or other Dallas family violence services organizations.
Jan was shocked. As she explains, “I realized many women don’t realize there are resources available to them, which is why raising awareness about domestic violence is so important. Where there is intersection, the woman doesn’t die. Those are the women we can help.”
As a Dallas family law attorney, there are several steps I recommend when I speak with women who are dealing with family violence. No. 1 won’t surprise you.
1. Reach out for help!
Women are most at risk when they don’t reach out for help. Call the police if you feel threatened or have been harmed. In addition, several organizations and shelters are available 24/7 to listen and provide guidance, such as:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH). Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or TTY 1-800-787-3224 or visit the NDVH website at thehotline.org.
- National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. Call 1-866-331-9474 or TTY 1-866-331-8453 or visit loveisrespect.org.
- Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support in Dallas. Call 214-946-4357 or visit genesisshelter.org.
- The Family Place shelter in Dallas. Call 214-941-1991 or visit familyplace.org.
As noted earlier, removing yourself and your children from a violent environment and into a shelter is an important and potentially life-saving first step.
2. Put a safety plan in place.
If you want to exit an abusive household, creating a safety plan for yourself and your kids can help ease the process. A safety plan may include stashing away some money, clothes, a phone, extra car keys, passports, I.D.s and other important paperwork in a safe place outside the home.
You can learn more about safety planning on the Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support website.
3. Collect evidence of family violence.
Keeping a record of family violence toward yourself and your children is key if you want to take legal action. You need to prove to the judge that family violence occurred in order to get an order of protection (See No. 5). I recommend:
- Calling the police whenever you are fearful of the abuser or have been harmed.
- Take photos of injuries and property damage related to assaults.
- If it’s safe to do so, videotape any episodes of anger or violence toward yourself and/or the kids. Evidence of physical and verbal threats can be very powerful to a judge.
- Save all text messages, voicemails and emails from the abuser. Print out any possible evidence and store it in a safe place.
- Keep a journal and carefully note any incidents of aggression or violence.
4. Speak with a family law attorney experienced with family violence cases.
At Connatser Family Law, we are familiar with the nuances that intersect between domestic violence and Texas family law. We know what abusers do to skirt the law and tactics they use to keep battered women under their control.
Genesis Women’s Shelter also has an excellent attorney on staff, Sara Barnett, to help women navigate legal issues pertaining to family violence.
5. Get a protective order.
In Texas, you can request a protective order against an abuser if an act of by a family member or member of the household was intended to result in physical harm, bodily injury or sexual assault, or there is a threat that reasonably places you (or your children) in fear of imminent physical harm, bodily injury or sexual assault.
Initial emergency protective orders are only valid for 20 days then expire in operation of law. Before those 20 days expire, there will be a hearing where a judge listens to evidence, and the accused abuser has the right to challenge you and provide evidence to the court denying or controverting the allegations.
If the judge finds that family violence has occurred and that family violence is likely to occur in the future, he or she can issue a protective order which prohibits the abuser from having any contact whatsoever with the victim and any other member of her household for two years.
However, it is important to advocate to have your children listed as protected persons in the protective order if there was any family violence committed toward them; otherwise, the abuser may have joint legal rights and unsupervised possession of your children.
Don’t Be Afraid to Reach Out for Help
As noted above, battered women who don’t reach out to the police, the court system or a family violence support organization are at an increased risk for violence and even death. To protect yourself and your children, reach out for help today.
Abby Gregory is a compassionate Dallas attorney with a substantial record in litigation, collaboration and Texas family law. A graduate of Fordham University College of Law, Abby committed herself to community service during her tenure at Fordham and received the Archibald R. Murray Public Service Award, summa cum laude, based on her extensive pro bono and community work for Lawyers for Children, the Innocence Project and others.
To support National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Connatser Family Law attorney Abby Gregory and Jan Langbein, CEO of Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support, shine a spotlight on the littlest victims of family violence and discuss how we all can play a role in ending the cycle of abuse.
According to estimates reported in a United Nations Secretary-General’s study, as many as 2.7 million children are exposed to domestic violence in the U.S. every year. As a family law attorney in Dallas, this sadly comes as no surprise to me. In our practice, we regularly see the horrific impact family violence has on children.
Children are the silent victims of family violence
Jan Langbein has been on the front lines in the fight against domestic violence for 30 years. In her role as CEO at Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support, she witnesses the heartbreaking impact that family violence has on children every day.
According to Jan, “When we look at domestic violence, we typically think of a perpetrator and a victim, but in my professional opinion, the true victims of violence in the home are kids who watch and listen when dad is ‘terrifying’ and mom is ‘terrified.’
“The trauma children experience is as real as a returning war vet, yet they are often the silent victims in my book. People think the kids were asleep or out of earshot in the other room when the fighting was going on, but I absolutely disagree with that. I’ve also read that 75 percent of men who beat their wives also beat their children. Kids get caught in the crossfire, whether it’s a fist or a bullet.”
From a legal perspective, there are steps battered women can take to protect themselves and their children from an abuser (I cover these in this complementary post, How to Leave an Abusive Relationship and Protect Your Kids). However, the most difficult step for many women is making the decision to leave the abusive relationship in the first place.
Leaving an abusive relationship is more difficult than you may realize
Abusers are typically controlling by nature, which means they almost always control the family finances (cash, checking accounts, savings accounts, etc.). Consequently, many battered women have limited financial resources, which makes it difficult to pack up their kids and leave.
In my experience as a family law attorney in Dallas, I find abusers generally are very charming likable, affable guys. The reason the victim didn’t leave in the first place is because of the abuser’s ability to win her over by saying “I’ll never do it again, please forgive me.”
When kids are involved, it can be really hard to close that person off, and get the abuser out of your life. In addition, children are often used as pawns, either to give the abuser a reason to communicate with the battered woman, or worse, to terrorize the woman by threatening to harm her children.
Safe havens and resources are available for battered women and their kids
Another huge roadblock for battered women is the fear of the unknown. Many women wonder, “Where can I go to escape, keep my children safe and get back on my feet again?”
Surprisingly, many people are unaware of the great resources available from women’s shelters in Dallas. Organizations such as The Family Place and Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support provide not only a safe place to stay, they help women and children begin the healing process and pave the way for a safe, stable and independent future.
End the cycle of abuse, remove children from abusive environments a.s.a.p.
People often talk about the cycle of abuse, but many don’t understand the short- and long-term ramifications that result when children witness or are victims of family violence. In fact, men exposed to physical abuse, sexual abuse and/or domestic violence as children are almost four times more likely to perpetrate domestic violence as adults.
At Genesis, Jan sees first hand how family violence affects her youngest clients. As she explains, “I distinctly remember one little guy who at 4 years old wanted to kill himself. His father is accused of both physical and sexual assault. He wouldn’t go into our play therapy room. When someone says let’s go shut the door, and we’ll talk in private, that’s not a good thing to him, because someone hurt him in an unthinkable way.
“This little guy was scared to be trapped in a room, so he ran and grabbed all the toy weapons to arm the therapist with plastic knives and guns, he put on a helmet and a breastplate and ran up and down the hall and yelled, ‘Run for your life we’re going to die. There are monsters out there and I have to save you!’”
Helping children heal to end the cycle of abuse
While Jan sees children at their lowest points, she also gets to see those same children come out the other side. However, kids typically can only heal if they receive the right kind of therapy and support.
“People say kids are resilient, but I don’t exactly think so. I think kids stuff it, stuff it and stuff it, and without help, many will become perpetrators themselves. Through art and play, Genesis helps them begin to tell about those unthinkable things they don’t even have words to describe.
“Once they have the opportunity to tell their words, they begin to heal as well. So will that trauma always be a part of these kids’ lives? Of course. But with therapy, organizations like Genesis can help them feel safe again, teach them that family violence is unacceptable and in many cases put an end to the cycle of abuse for those families,” Jan says.
Together we can do this!
The longer a woman remains in an abusive relationship, the greater the emotional and physical distress her children will endure. While it may seem like there is nowhere to turn, help is available – and we all need to spread the word. A family law attorney experienced with family violence cases and shelters like Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support and The Family Place provide battered women with the tools they and their children need to survive and thrive.
Jan believes, “It’s going to take a societal paradigm shift for us to help these kiddos and protect our next generation, a shift where we all roll up our sleeves and say, I have zero tolerance for that rapist and abuser. Men have to be involved in this, not just those guys who aren’t abusers. We need to raise these young boys to be gentle men and raise young girls to protect themselves physically, financially and emotionally.”
As a complement to this post, I assembled a guide to help women leave abusive relationships. To learn more, you can read How to Leave an Abusive Relationship and Protect Your Kids here.
Abby Gregory is a compassionate Dallas attorney with a substantial record in litigation, collaboration and Texas family law. A graduate of Fordham University College of Law, Abby committed herself to community service during her tenure at Fordham and received the Archibald R. Murray Public Service Award, summa cum laude, based on her extensive pro bono and community work for Lawyers for Children, the Innocence Project and others.
Photo Source: Pexels
In August, Gannett Co. and The New York Times asked the New York Supreme Court to unseal the 1990 divorce records of Donald and Ivana Trump. About the same time, a Hennepin County District Court judge in Minneapolis approved a request by the Minneapolis Star Tribune to unseal the 2006 divorce records of the late, rock star Prince and his ex-wife Manuela Testolini.
On September 22, 2016, Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Frank Nervo refused to unseal the files – saying he has no power or business doing so. Since each state views privacy rights differently, we asked Dallas Divorce Attorney Christine Powers Leatherberry to weigh in on how the unsealing of the Trump and Prince divorce records might play out in Texas.
According to Christine, “In Texas, it is presumed that all court records are to be open to the public. What is different here from other states is Texas excludes documents filed in actions arising under the Family Code from the definition of court records. So it is difficult to unseal divorce records in Texas.”
The only exception – to the exception – for unsealing divorce records in Texas is when a public official is involved.
Divorce Records of Public Officials Could Be Unsealed in Texas
In the case of a mayor, governor or someone who is running for public office (like Donald Trump), the court may consider unsealing his or her divorce records if the judge believes information in the sealed documents should be made available to the general public.
As Christine explains, “For example, if a public official’s ex-spouse filed a protective order against him or her, a Texas judge may agree to unseal those divorce records if he or she believes the public has a right to know about those details.”
According to the USA TODAY, The Trumps’ divorce was granted on the grounds of “cruel and inhumane treatment,” though the couple eventually agreed to a settlement.
“Bottom line, it’s pretty hard to unseal divorce records in Texas, unless it’s a public official. Since Donald Trump is running for President, the press in Texas would have a decent chance of unsealing his divorce records if the Trumps’ divorce had been finalized here,” Christine says.
It’s Easier for Celebrities to Keep Divorce Records Sealed in Texas
With celebrities like Prince, the Texas family court is less likely to find that the public has a right to know what information is sealed in their divorce documents. However, it is important to ask your family law attorney to take the appropriate steps to keep your divorce records private.
“The other thing that is unique in Texas is that an order sealing or unsealing records cannot be reconsidered if an interested third party had notice. So if you ask a judge to revise his or her position, and if the newspaper had notice of the hearing to begin with (2006 in the Prince-Testolini records), the newspaper’s request would likely be denied anyway,” says Christine.
As a high-profile, Dallas divorce attorney, Christine regularly petitions the family court to seal her clients’ divorce records. Typical language for a request to seal may be: The sealing of the records in this action will not have an adverse effect on the public health or safety, and the records do not involve matters that should be available to the general public.
Texas Protects the Privacy of Parties to a Divorce – Especially Children
“The state of Texas stands firm when it comes to protecting the privacy of people going through divorce and custody and child support modifications. If it’s in the best interest of the children involved to keep divorce records sealed, they generally will remain sealed.
“So if the parents had a messy divorce, or there were any abuse allegations involving the children, it’s going to be really difficult to unseal records from that divorce. To the State of Texas, children’s privacy really does matter in the long-term. Since the Trumps had three children together, that might work in his favor here in Texas,” says Christine.
Christine Powers Leatherberry is a compassionate family lawyer who is equally comfortable in the courtroom as she is counseling her clients one-on-one. She is a past chair of the Dallas Junior Board of the Big Brothers Big Sisters and was a Big Sister to the same Little for 11 years. To learn more about your right to privacy during divorce, please call 214-306-8441 to speak confidentially with a knowledgeable and considerate member of the Connatser Family Law team.
When celebrities like Frances Bean Cobain or Amber Heard collect their belongings from homes they shared with an estranged spouse, the LAPD goes with them. According to Dallas family law attorney Alissa Castro, “If you feel threatened by your partner in any way, seeking the protection of law enforcement is one of several steps you can take to stay safe during a divorce or break up.”
Prior to coming to Connatser Family Law, Alissa worked at the Family Justice Division – Family Violence Section of the Travis County District Attorney’s Office, so she is no stranger to divorce cases involving family violence.
We asked Alissa what advice she offers to clients when domestic violence or threats of violence have occurred. She recommends the following five steps:
No. 1: Call the police if you feel threatened or have been harmed.
According to Alissa, “It’s important to call law enforcement to help prevent domestic violence from escalating and so the police can record any acts of family violence. The family courts require evidence of family violence before issuing an emergency ex parte or protective order.” (Read more about collecting evidence below.)
Alissa recommends seeking a protective order whenever a history or pattern of family violence exists. However, if you don’t have adequate evidence to secure a protective order, a restraining order is your next best option.
As she explains, “When there isn’t a history of family violence, but there is a fear that a partner’s behavior may rise to the level of family violence, you can seek a restraining order. However, restraining orders don’t offer the same level of protection as protective orders (removing abuser from the residence, limiting access to firearms, etc.).”
Get more helpful tips in the past post: Why They Stayed, How You Can Leave.
No. 2: Collect evidence of family violence.
In order to improve your odds of getting an ex parte or protective order, you need to collect evidence of family violence to support your case.
“We ask clients to document any type of abuse, write notes in a journal, take photos of and seek medical attention for physical injuries. You could even make a recording on your phone. Just be careful to do so discreetly and save any evidence in a secure location,” Alissa says.
No. 3: Have a safety plan in place and prepare for the future now.
As Alissa explains, “If you want to exit an abusive relationship or marriage, start putting a long-term safety plan together right away. That way you’ll have the tools you need to survive once you’re ready to leave. You need to find a safe place to go – one place we recommend is Genesis Women’s Shelter – and money to help you get by.”
Since many abusers control the family finances, it can be difficult for some women to save money.
“In many cases, money is siphoned through the abuser. I encourage clients to be resourceful. For example, you could ask for cash back when paying for groceries. We also encourage clients to meet with a financial planner to get a handle on their finances and set goals for the future,” Alissa says.
The Genesis Women’s Shelter – available 24/7 at 214-946-HELP (4357) – offers some very helpful safety planning tips on its website. Learn how to stay safe during an explosive incident, when leaving a relationship, at home, on the job and in public places. You’ll even find a safety checklist to get you started. Visit the shelter’s safety planning page here.
No. 4: Only meet your ex in a public place and don’t go alone.
Meeting with an abusive ex is sometimes unavoidable, especially when shared custody of children is involved. Meeting in a highly visible location and with other parties present (there is strength in numbers) can help keep you safe.
According to Alissa, “We recommend clients do exchanges at public places, and if possible, agree to do the exchange in front of a police or fire station where public servants are present. You could even meet at a busy Starbucks, just bring a friend or family member along. You should also have a safety plan to rely on for any future interactions with your ex. Make sure to have your phone with you in case you need to dial 911 or to make a video of any threatening behavior.”
Again, you could ask for a police officer or sheriff’ to accompany you for added protection. “Protection provided by law enforcement is something that can be included in an ex parte or protection order,” says Alissa.
No. 5: Turn to your family law attorney for guidance and resources.
Family law attorneys regularly counsel clients who are trying to exit abusive relationships, so they can provide legal advice, support and resources, including:
- Recommending experts such as family therapists and financial planners.
- Suggesting resources for job training and finding employment.
- Helping you find a safe place to stay. They regularly refer clients to local women’s shelters.
- Filing legal documents to help keep you and your children safe (protective orders, restraining orders, complaints to Child Protective Services, etc.).
- Helping you prepare for your divorce.
“Remember, you’re not alone. As family law attorneys, we also play a counseling role, so it’s OK to lean on us. We also know that the days leading up to and right after filing for divorce can be extremely dangerous for women in abusive relationships. Put your and your children’s safety first, then rely on your family law attorney to guide you the rest of the way,” Alissa says.
Reach Out for Help Today
If you need to escape an abusive and dangerous relationship, help is a phone call away. Either contact a domestic violence shelter near your, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or TTY 1-800-787-3224. You can also visit the NDVH website at http://www.thehotline.org/.
In addition, teens can contact the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474 or TTY 1-866-331-8453 or visit www.loveisrespect.org.
Alissa Castro is an enthusiastic, young attorney with experience in a wide variety of legal venues. She has also donated her services to several charitable causes including the Dallas Volunteer Attorney Program, Mississippi Volunteer Lawyer Project and Catholic Charities. To learn more about divorce and child custody options in Dallas and Collin Counties, please call 214-306-8441 to speak confidentially with a knowledgeable and considerate member of the Connatser Family Law team.
Photo Source: Adobe Stock
When the wounds are fresh, it can be difficult to get along with an ex-spouse following divorce. But setting differences aside and putting children first are essential for the long-term health and happiness of your kids. With the new school year upon us, we asked Dallas Divorce Attorney Christine Powers Leatherberry to share advice to help newly divorced parents kick off co-parenting and the school year on the right foot.
No. 1: Commit to open communication and inclusion from day one.
Communication is the key to successful co-parenting (and is an underlying theme throughout this post). If you receive information regarding your child and their needs and activities, be sure to share it with your ex-spouse. Agree to keep each other in the loop.
No. 2: Set up a shared family calendar and update it diligently.
This is the key to following through on tip No. 1. As Christine explains, “There are a number of shared family calendars available online and some families even use Google calendars to share information about activities.
“Our firm typically recommends Our Family Wizard, because it offers a variety of helpful tools. Plus, many Texas Family Court judges require divorcing couples to communicate through Our Family Wizard and use the shared calendar.”
Within your shared calendar, you can keep track of:
- Extracurricular practices and events.
- Doctor appointments.
- Homework and project deadlines.
- School photo days.
- Family vacations and more.
No. 3: Have a conversation about back-to-school supplies.
“In Texas, back-to-school supplies are supposed to be paid for with child support. However, the cost for supplies, school uniforms, sports gear, etc., can often exceed that amount. If you want to start out on the right foot with your ex-spouse, offer to help pay for certain items. This can help set the tone for a more amicable co-parenting relationship.
“However, I do recommend paying for those designated items directly, such as taking your child school shopping at Target or paying the school directly for uniforms,” Christine says.
No. 4: Drop off your children together on the first day of school.
Though this may be a difficult for the newly divorced, it’s just one day that will be tough for you, but an important day that will speak volumes to your child. Says Christine, “This stand of unity shows the child that regardless of his or her parents’ differences, you’re all in it together.”
No. 5: Get on the same page regarding homework, deadlines and obligations.
Christine recommends that parents agree at the outset to share homework duties as equally as possible. “As a Dallas divorce attorney, I frequently run into scenarios where one parent takes on the bulk of the homework follow up while the other disregards it. This is especially problematic when large school projects are involved.
“You don’t want to pick up your child on a Sunday night at 7 p.m. and find out they have a huge diorama or book report due in the morning. This is not a fair way to co-parent and it puts unnecessary pressure on the child. Agree to keep each other informed and share homework deadlines and progress reports regularly.”
No. 6: Make sure the child’s backpack stays with the child.
Speaking of homework, to help your child stay on track and complete homework assignments on time, his or her assignment folder and necessary books and materials need to accompany him or her from home to home.
“You can even use the backpack as a talking point. Take a few moments during the exchange to communicate how far along the child is with completing his or her assignments. For example, ‘He finished three chapters of To Kill a Mockingbird and needs to knock out another three by Monday,’” explains Christine.
No. 7: Attend parent-teacher conferences together if possible.
While some parents do request separate parent teacher conferences, Christine encourages parents to attend together when possible.
As she explains, “Attending together makes it easier on the teachers, and also shows the teacher everyone is on the same team when it comes to supporting your child. If you can’t be there for some reason – due to a business trip, late meeting or if you reside out of state – you can always arrange to call in.”
No. 8: Exchange pictures with the other parent.
“Another positive way to show your commitment to co-parenting is to text or email photos to each other when one parent isn’t able to be present at important events and milestones,” Christine says.
No. 9: Keep former in-laws and your ex’s family history in the mix.
According to Christine, “Children often have school assignments that require family information and photos. For example, they may be asked to research their family tree or create a photo collage. If you omit or discount the other half of your child’s family, you’re also discounting half of your child. So do your best to represent both sides equally.”
Including your ex-spouse’s family members at birthday parties, baseball games, ballet recitals and other events is another great way to demonstrate a united front post-divorce.
No. 10: Share “breaking” health information a.s.a.p.
If you hear pink eye is running rampant at your child’s school, inform the other parent immediately. “While the school nurse may eventually notify parents of health concerns by email, it’s helpful for both parents to have that information right away, so they can be on the look out for symptoms.
“Also, if your child wakes up with a fever and stays home for the day, that is another scenario where it’s important to alert the other parent as soon as possible. This is especially true if an exchange is planned for that evening,” Christine says.
No. 11: Plan for inclement weather (ice days) and teacher in-service days.
While decrees and child custody orders typically spell out who is responsible for taking the children when bad weather arises and on teacher in-service days, the unpredictability of those scenarios can lead to confusion.
Christine encourages parents to agree to be flexible in these situations. As she explains, “It isn’t unusual for one parent to have a more flexible job than the other. So for those occasions when it’s difficult to follow the strict letter of the law in your custody order, planning how to deal with those days in advance is key.”
No. 12: Work with a parent facilitator to iron out roadblocks.
If you and your ex-spouse disagree on issues pertaining to your children, a parent facilitator can help sort things out.
According to Christine, “A parent facilitator is an excellent, objective resource who can help settle disputes such as whether a private school or public school is best for the child, how related costs will be paid and by whom, who pays for uniforms, etc. Or if one parent feels the child is over-scheduled with ballet, karate, violin and more, that’s something a parent facilitator can help resolve too.”
Christine Powers Leatherberry is a compassionate family lawyer who is equally comfortable in the courtroom as she is counseling her clients one-on-one. She is a past chair of the Dallas Junior Board of the Big Brothers Big Sisters and was a Big Sister to the same Little for 11 years. To learn more about your divorce and child custody options, please call 214-306-8441 to speak confidentially with a knowledgeable and considerate member of the Connatser Family Law team.
Photo Source: Adobe Stock